“you inspire me so much! you just have it all together!”
was a message in my Facebook inbox that made me burst into tears the other night.
tears. i like to cry. i don’t do it often, and when i do, i let it rip. i get loud about it. i usually do it in the shower. we have a stand up shower in our room, and what i like to do is turn the water just enough so it falls over my head like rain. and i sit. I’m pathetic. i hug my knees to my chest and bury my face and let the water hit the back of my head.
and i cry. for, like, hours. and it goes from subtle crying to actual chest-heaving-cant-catch-my-breath crying.
so ya. it was one of those nights.
bc i don’t have it all together. more often than not i feel like i am crashing and burning. more often than not i am behind on something, or i have a bill that needs to be paid, or a gallery that has to go out, or a child that needs me that i feel like i am neglecting.
i feel like i am a failure at so many things.
i scrolled thru my Facebook biz page and scrolled thru my instagram. i wanted to know what made this woman message me and say i had it all together.
and then i got so angry at myself. SO VERY ANGRY!
bc im all peppy and happy on social media. I’m all “oh, ain’t life great!? don’t cha just love sunrises!? i love working out! i love eating egg whites!” and, in real life dude, sometimes i really hate going to the gym, and sometimes i need really long breaks from being a mother, and WAY MORE THAN SOMETIMES i freaking eat chips. and a lot of them. and i follow them up with a cookie. or a kitkat. or two. or three.
so i was angry- where had i lost my way in being ME!? who was i? when did i stop keeping it real??
so heres the deal. the real deal.
i struggle. every single damn day i struggle. in different aspect of life, of course. its not the same struggle every day, but there is always a struggle.
1- being a mother. i love it. but i am not going to sit here and sugar coat it at all. sometimes i wanna pull my daughters hair. or lock them in their rooms for like a day and a half. when its the end of the day and they start giving me lip. and i hafta repeat myself, and ask them to do the same thing that they have to do EVERY NIGHT. or they are fighting with each other and come to me whining that “hannah just hit me” or “eddie is being mean”. some days i just want to run away from it all.
and you want to know what makes it so hard? is the fact that they go to their fathers 2-3 days a week. so i don’t see them. so when they are home with me i feel guilty for having to yell at them about something. raising children is beyond the hardest job in the world. and here i am, not being able to do my best or be at my best bc i feel guilty. don’t get me wrong, i yell and discipline when i have to, but it breaks my heart. i don’t want to be the mean mom. on top of it all, i always wonder, “do they fight at their fathers house or are they angels? if they don’t fight there and don’t need discipline there is it bc they like it there better? what if they don’t want to come to mommys house and just want to stay at daddys?” believe me, thoughts like these go on forever.
want me to go on?
here are constant thoughts on how i struggle as a mother:::: what if the divorce (while its been 4/5 years) absolutely ruined them? what if they become serial killers? hannah has always said how she is never going to get married. is that my fault? did i ruin her? i found happiness and i married the wrong person the first time around, but does she know and see that? does she see mine and stephens love? and what if having Luccia drives hannah and eddie away and makes them want to not be in our house. what if they think i deserted them as daughters bc i am having more children and building our family? …………………………
so ya, the real me struggles as a mother. big time. and i don’t love being a mother every second of the day. my biggest fault is that i always feel guilty for taking “me” time. stephen yells at me all the time about it, but i find it so hard to take time for me and do things for me. i still to this day will not go to the gym and workout if the girls are with me and not their father… i think i have done that once. idk, i just feel guilty leaving them! i am doing the very best that i can in the only ways that i know how. and i pray that in the future they are thankful for the mother that i was to them and they say they always looked up to me.
or at least say they always loved my chocolate chip cookies. even though i burnt the first batch tonite.
i struggle being a partner. bc i am like the wikipedia definition of introvert- which means i keep a lot inside, i work out a lot of issues internally. being an introvert means at the end of the day i need it to be quiet to re-charge. and when your husband gets home from work and wants to talk about the day or whats going on at the house, the mental stimulation that does to an introvert is indescribable. i struggle being a partner bc of the way i grew up. bc i never knew what love was, how to show it, how someone should show it to me, bc thats just not how i was raised. bc i was raised in a house of physical abuse, i dont do confrontation. ever. so when stephen and i fight about something i just wanna run away. bc confrontation in my home meant someone got hit, unfortunately. i met my soulmate in stephen and he knows everything about me and absolutely loves me and loves who i am, but i still struggle with these flaws. for him, like with my children, i am trying to be the best wife only i can.
being a photographer….ahhhh.
wait, summer, you struggle being a photographer?!
i am so happy doing what i do. but the rainbows and butterflies it is NOT.
wanna know why?
this business…. if my phone doesn’t ring or if i don’t book sessions, my kids don’t eat. period.
that thought alone makes me cry.
i always say, “what if, what if, what if….what if people are over my work? what if they are bored by it? what if they think it aint nothin special?”
like, what would i do? id probably waitress i always say. or bartend.
no one can understand the pressure of running a business like this when your family relies on you to eat and have clothes on their back.
the weight that bares on your shoulders in tremendous.
why is it different from other jobs?
bc it is built from creating. it is an art business. it is a business that anyone and everyone can start up. just take some pictures, launch a website, and wah-lah, you are a photographer. it is a business of THOUSANDS OF OPTIONS, and that is just in long island alone.
so i put constant pressure on myself to create. to have a wow-factor. i struggle with finding my voice in photography every. single.day. because i reach and strive for the amazing every day. i have never arrived and will never arrive. i will never “make it”. every day, every shoot, is a growth as to who i am…
and my thoughts? do people like what i am creating? do they like this image?do they like who i am? am i “me” enough in this image? this image i really felt amazing about, will they like it? is it an image that a potential client will look and and be “wow-ed”? will this client love this gallery and recommend me? i can sit here and say “i don’t really give a shit whether my work is received by the public or not. i am who i am, if they like it, great, if they don’t i really don’t care”.
but i do care. the struggle IS real. i care what people think of me. if they don’t like me it bothers me and makes me sad. on the outside I’m tough. but when someone doesn’t like me it bothers me for DAYS! AND, if they don’t like me, i don’t work. if i don’t work, well…. that thought is just too unbearable. id be letting my kids down.
ugh, tears, again!!!
every time i shoot and discover more of who i am, i pray and hope my clients like who i am morphing into.
sorry this post is beyond long. but i had this breakdown. and i wanted to share with you all who i was. and to keep it real. for the first time in a long time- i have hid a lot of my heartache and struggles from y’all for so long. for me this breakdown was an insane intense self-reflection on who i am and how every day with every struggle i evolve.
i promise ill stop all the happy peppy life is all whiskers on kittens crap, bc it’s not. not always.thats not REAL. and thats certainly not ME all the time. ill really start sharing more of ME.
because who i am, who i was, who i will become, is huge for my ART. my SHOOTS. my WORK. my images should scream who i am…
and this breakdown will be an epic breakthrough in my work.
so i hope ya welcome me. the ME me. seen below. right now. in bed. by the light of my laptop. as my current struggle is whether to hit “publish”.